I have a problem with “lady parts”. Not the actual parts themselves, of which I am particularly fond; more the fact that you lot have so bloody many of them.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I love each and every one of them. I love they way you react when I touch, kiss, lick and fuck them. It’s just that, as a "writer", trying to describe them is a nightmare.
We guys are pretty simple. On our chests, we have nipples; that’s pretty much it. You lot though… I mean yes, you have nipples and they respond in various wonderfully delightful ways, but you also have boobs. Now I’m certainly not knocking your knockers; anyone who knows me knows how much I love them, but when it comes to writing they are another bit (or is that bits?) that have to be considered. Part of the biggest problem is what to actually call them? Boobs, tits, breasts, norks, knockers, funbags (OK, so I have never, ever used the term funbags in erotica); you get my drift… And if that weren’t bad enough, don’t even get me started on your areolae. I mean, why do you even have them? What’s wrong with just having nipples? Isn’t it enough that you already have two erogenous areas on either side of your chest without adding a third? Isn’t that just being greedy?
Anyway, moving briskly on, or down, as is more appropriate. And let’s face it, we do like to go down…
Again, the male sexual anatomy is pretty basic. We have cocks and we have balls. Occasionally you may feel the need to differentiate between the shaft and the head of our cocks; sometimes you may want to draw attention to the scrotum rather than what it contains. By and large however, that’s it: cock, balls, and occasionally sac.
With you ladies on the other hand, it’s a whole different ball-game (or should that be labia-game, or maybe clit-game?).
Now, despite what certain women’s magazines would have us believe, I suspect most of us guys are at least passingly acquainted with your clitoris (some more so than others, I will admit). We know you have a vagina. We are familiar with your labia (both majora and minora). The vulva leaves us a little confused. Is it a specific part in its own right, or is it a term for the whole general area? Yes, yes, I know what it actually is, but I’m just emphasising the point. To be honest, in much the same way that, in my writing, I tend to neglect areolae (although I would never neglect them in the flesh, I hasten to add), I tend to gloss over vulvae too (that’s really not as filthy as it sounds, believe me).
Euphemisms don’t actually help; although they do provide a certain concealment of ignorance. I can throw in the word “cunt” or “pussy” but, depending on the context, that in itself can mean different things. If I put my cock in your cunt, then I’m clearly talking about your vagina. If I’m admiring your neatly trimmed pussy, I’m talking about your pubis (I’d almost forgotten about that one), or possibly your vulva, or maybe both.
And you wonder why us guys find you so confusing sometimes… It’s almost as if we are strangers in a strange land.
Personally, I think I’ll just stick to enjoying them for the effects my attentions cause and not get hung up on the Latin.