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Penile Bombardment

The penis: an object of mouth-watering, knickers-moistening desire, or an aesthetically-challenged yet functional bodily protuberance? It seems the jury is out on that one depending largely on whether or not you find the male reproductive organ attractive.

From what I have gathered, there isn’t even a gender split on this subject. Some men are very proud of their members and take every opportunity to show them off, almost literally sticking them in the faces of every woman they meet online by way of sending ‘dick pics’. Others, myself included, tend to be a bit more reticent and, for some, as evidenced by the online offers of penis enlargement pills and potions, they are clearly a cause of embarrassment. Similarly, some women profess to liking the look of the penis and will actively solicit pictures of said organ in its erect state, some women are ambivalent about them, preferring them for the way they make them feel when engaging in sex things, and other women wish we would just put the bloody things away.

A lot has been written recently about ‘dick pics’ by the (mostly female) bloggers that I follow, some pro, some anti, and some pretty much resigned. With that in mind, I thought I’d give a male take on this subject; although it should be pointed out that I am in no way putting myself forward as being in any way representative of my Y-chromosomed peers.

So, first of all, a few questions:
  • Am I male? – Yes
  • Do I have a penis? – Yes
  • Have I ever taken a photograph of my penis? – Yes
  • Have I ever sent said photograph to a woman? – Yes
  • Have I ever sent said photograph to a woman without being reasonably sure (i.e. somewhere in the region of 127.538%) certain that she would be open to receiving the same? – No
  • Did I do so in the hope or expectation that, on opening said photograph, she would immediately find it so appealing she’d want to have sex with me? – You’re kidding right? It’s a penis.
The point is, if I’m chatting up or flirting with a woman, I may be being led by my penis, but I’m certainly not going to lead with it. I mean, if I were in a pub, and I saw a woman I fancied, would I walk up to her, tap her on the shoulder and then, without so much as a “would you like to see my cock?” drop my trousers and boxers? No, of course not. At best I could expect a slap on the chops, at worst, I'd be finding myself on the sex offenders’ register. To me, sending an unsolicited photo of my bits is the online version of the scenario I’ve just described. Yet still, some people do it and (in my opinion) bizarrely, some women it seems, actually like unsolicited penis photos.

Now, I’m no prude; far from it. I enjoy the freedom that comes with being naked and, where the situations allow, I have no issue with being naked in the company of others, but I need to know that that is acceptable.

In the days when I used to use dating/hook-up sites, a common complaint from women was that guys had pictures of their penis as profile photos or that they would get bombarded with similar photos in their inbox, usually accompanied with well thought out and eloquently articulate messages along the lines of, “Wanna fuk u babe!” This to me was manna from heaven. Given that the hook-up sites are basically a buyers’ market for women strictly on the grounds of the male to female ratio, it meant that, by articulating an email and maybe sending a picture of my face (I never displayed it on my profile) I might actually seem interesting enough to actually stand a chance of having my email read and, just maybe, eliciting a reply.

In one blog recently, the author admitted that she didn’t mind dick pics but preferred there to be some sort of context rather than just a disembodied tumescent organ. Now, I can fully get that; in my opinion, #CocksNeedContext.

But, and it is a big "but", what would a picture of a penis tell you about me? Well, in truth, not much. It wouldn’t even tell you if, in fact, it was mine. If I were feeling inferior about my penis, I might just have cribbed an image of a more “satisfactory” one off the internet.

So, if I were ever send someone photos of my cock, what would they tell the recipient? Well, they do tell you that I trim my pubes and tend to keep my balls smooth (I know you women dislike nature’s dental-floss as much as we guys do) and they also show that my "significant fraction" is quite veined (which apparently some of you think is a good thing). That, however is about it.

Can you tell anything about its size? No, not really. I’ve always assumed it was fairly average, but I could be wrong. Certainly, no woman, on encountering it in the flesh for the first time has ever fainted, but also, and to me, much more importantly, they’ve never burst out laughing either.

Can you tell anything about the skill (or possible lack thereof) with which I can use it? Nope.

Can it tell you anything about how much “staying power” it has? Again, no. Although, for the record, on account of the anti-depressants I take, I literally sometimes go on for what seems like hours without achieving orgasm, but that's a post for another time.

No, really all that a photo of my penis tells you is that I have a penis and, since I’m a man, I suspect you probably had that one figured out.

So, what have we learned? Some girls like dick pics (solicited or otherwise) and some don’t. Some men like to send unsolicited photos of their cock, whereas others prefer to do so in more “appropriate” circumstances. There are probably as many opinions on the matter as there are people having opinions. And, you know what, that’s absolutely fine. If we were all the same, the world would be boring.

Should any of my fellow “pointers” be reading this, the only advice I could possibly give is, just because you have a dick, it doesn’t mean you have to be one too. There endeth the lesson…